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Archive for the ‘Emotions’ Category

This town is full of too many loves that never were
Familiar faces are only fragments of what I’ve tried to forget
Close enough to want inside of everything but my heart
But hearts are givers without choice
I believed I deserved better before I met you
Now I hardly believe in myself
And the ability to love again

Giving works until there’s nothing left
Just the memory of what I wished had always been
The fairy tale I grew up believing in
The one with the Prince who saved her
The knight who said she was the only one
I’m Cinderella without a fairy godmother
My hand of cards is missing a chance

I listen to Dixie Chicks radio when I’m sad
You’ve ruined everything for everyone
Who has tried to steal my heart away
And sometimes I wake up crying at night
The hurting is always all mine
I pray to be set free so
Goodbye Earl or whatever your name is

I thought mistakes were just moments
Not the prologue to the rest of my life
I wish I could love him the way I loved you
Twice the man and an even better friend
I can’t imagine the heartache if you had cared
I’m still picking up the pieces
Of a love we never had

This town is full of too many loves that never were.

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I turned twenty-six on Thursday

I remember when I was in high school, I had all these plans about where I’d be at this point in my life. Dreams, really. Naieve notions about how old is old enough for this, that, and the other thing. I realize now I don’t know as much as I thought I did then.

Life isn’t a timeline of should have’s.

I’m not the same person I was last year. I’m not even sure I’m the same person I was a week ago.

I carry with me a lot of the same surface level dreams I did then: Get married. Have a family. Write a book. Travel to Europe. Run a marathon. Be a better person. But, my view of those dreams has changed and adapted over time due to the circumstances I have endured and the people I have encountered. They say, you become who you surround yourself with. I used to be a stubborn enough person to not believe that was true.

Now, I realize people change you slowly, melt you like a candle. Some people are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires. One day you wake up and realize your flame has burnt out. And you have no idea how to get it back.

I’ve learned that subtle compromises often turn into great risks. That first time you choose to be less of who you are for someone else is the first time you lose a piece of your heart. He should ask you about the tattoo on your ankle. Care about the fact someone you loved deeply died for it to be there. He should ask you about the tattoo on your wrist. Ask why you thought God’s grace was so important then. He should ask you about your heart. What makes you come alive. Why writing is so important. Why you haven’t slept with everyone like he has. He should care about loving you the way you love him. And, you shouldn’t have to ask.

I’ve learned that just because you’ve been friends with someone forever, doesn’t mean they will stay. I’ve learned that just because you want to get married and have a family, doesn’t mean you’re ready. I’ve learned that even though you believe in God, doesn’t mean you believe He loves you.

I’ve learned that words really can hurt you. It’s hard to sleep alone, after. Sometimes, you won’t be the friend you thought you were. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Your family will love you even when your friends don’t. It’s okay to cut people out of your life. Music is still beautiful, even without him. You can be angry. You can cry. It’s okay to stay up all night, and call in sick the next day. Retail therapy is okay as long as it’s not your only therapy. Loneliness will either make you run toward hope or into despair. Life is a series of choices. Sometimes, you’ll make the wrong one.

I’ve learned that life is really hard. Often, you fight battles you can’t even see for yourself.

One of my friends recently said, I miss Kari.

I miss her too. In the past couple years, I’ve lost large pieces of who I thought I was.

I hope that twenty-six is about finding her. And not who she used to be, because I don’t think you can ever really go back to who you were. But I want to find who I want to be. The pieces of the girl I miss, transposed by the experiences of the woman I am. To something brighter than where I am right now.

We all have our own demons. And, to clarify, that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for my life or the people and blessings in it. Because I have an amazing family who love me unconditionally, friends that have stood by me through thick and thin, a job that challenges me every day, and a God who chooses to protect me even when I don’t fight for Him. I am blessed beyond measure.

But I’ve learned that it’s okay to not be okay. And to be honest about it.

I hope in the year to come I am able to share that with each and every one of you out there. May we all be honest with ourselves, and fight for who we are.

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I am

an extensive novel housing
difficult dialogue
hidden secrets
complex character

I am

an epic love craving
honest heart
open trust
pure passion

I am

an energetic song blaring
fantastic feeling
infectious laughter
carefree contentment

I am

an easy evening holding
solemn silence
welcoming arms
lasting loyalty

I am

an entangled woman wanting
real relationship
quality time
mutual risk

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There’s a collection of mix CD’s cataloging the years I knew you.
The most cliché kind. To you. From me. I love you.

It’s been almost a year since we said goodbye.

I put each one in, to listen again. I hear your voice whisper amidst choruses once loved. This song will make you cry. This song will make you smile. This song makes me think of you.

The familiar sounds move me to tears, or, maybe the remembering is what breaks my heart.

Every song forces me to feel you again. All I’ve never felt with anyone else. Each melody echoes what we’ve lost. The lyrics create ghosts of conversations I barely remember. I am suffocating inside a concert I once loved to replay.

I’ve left searching for songs the way I’ve stopped searching for you.

Our love is now a memory documented by mixed CD’s and handwritten letters, thrown alongside a few mediocre photographs. The most beautiful pieces remain like one of our favorite songs.

For no matter how long it’s been, I will always be able to sing it by heart.

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The Greatest Love.

Imagine this: You have been given the greatest love in the world. Soul-mates. Best friends. Your other half. It is better than any fairytale ever written. More beautiful than the best love song. More sincere than any sonnet.

You have been given the greatest love in the world. Nothing can tear him away from you. No matter what you do, no matter how many times you try to push him away, he never falters. You break his heart, and he comes back begging for more. Through the pain, he remains strong. He would follow you to the ends of the earth. He would sacrifice his dreams to secure yours. He would stand in harm’s way to protect you. You can tell him everything. You can be yourself. Because he loves you just the way you are, in spite of who you are. He calls you beautiful, beloved, wonderfully made. He treasures you like a precious diamond. He holds you in his arms, whenever you ask. He woos you. He pursues you. He romances you.

You have been given the greatest love in the world. No one understands it, and no one ever will. There is intimacy that can’t be explained. There is a soul connection that will never be replaced. There is love unlike any other you will ever know. He is your world. You are his. You are his beloved, and beloved are you to him. Nothing you do can change the way he feels about you. If you leave him, he will wait patiently until you return. He will wait, and he will fight for you. Fight for the love you share, fight for your heart. For he is out to protect it. Forever. He would save you from anything. He would die for you.

You have been given the greatest love in the world. He never leaves you. He never forsakes you. He always fulfills his promises. He is always there when you call. Love is yours for all of eternity. Your wildest dreams come true. You are led into adventures you never even imagined. You see the world with new eyes. The colors are brighter. Devastating situations no longer seem hopeless. Because he is there, always there. Holding your hand. Drying your tears. Laying by your side. You are confident. Because he is all you need. No one else matters. No one else can tear you down. They can try, but he is always there to pull you back up again.

You have been given the greatest love in the world. There is nothing else you need. It is the best gift that can ever be received, and it has been given to you. He is real. He is here. He is yours. Taste the sweetness. Breathe in the joy. Bathe in desire. It is more than you could ever imagine. It is a reason to live. He is all you need.

Now, stop imagining. For you have been given the greatest love in the world. His name is Jesus Christ.

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Part One.

My fairytale got buried in the mud somewhere.
I tucked it in there piece by piece.

One day life has me too dirty to find
truth like something long forgotten.
A patchwork of lies too intricate to tear
apart like something lost or found.

They say,
If you hear something enough times
you start to believe it’s true.

Life has me stuck in compromising
positions like those you never wanted.
A history too repetitive to forget
forever like the world’s charade.

My fairytale got buried in the mud somewhere.
I tucked it in there piece by piece.

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You may have kissed my lips, but you will never kiss my heart.

You, with your high school charm and eager hands. The many nights we spent drunk and entwined, amidst sheets or hidden in a corner at a party. It was never about sincerity, but always about ease. The easiest way to get what you want is to make someone believe a lie. You made me feel wanted, if only for a moment. You were a bad habit I enjoyed over and over again. The lie was that I wasn’t worth more than one night.

You, with your carefully constructed words and shared songs. The nights we both lost sleep, the way our dreams were wrapped together in conversation and lyrics. You made me believe in you. You told me I was the girl you compared everyone to. It was always about genuine friendship. Who would have known that the physical would break us, tear apart the thing no one ever understood. The lie was that you would never leave me.

You, with your infectious laugh and sense of humor. The nights I devoted to cooking, to caring, to making you feel at home. It was all about living in the moment, enjoying time. You fooled me into thinking taking things slow meant you cared. It was a lesson in letting things happen, having fun and not over-analyzing every detail. But you never meant to stick around. The lie was that I’m not worth the commitment.

You, with your intuition and uncanny sense of reading my mind. The nights we spent reminiscing over the past, the way we fell back into the way things were. You were the one that got away. Always the friend but never the boyfriend. It was always something unexplainable. Yet we destroyed each other, then and now, knowing we could never be. You stole pieces without remorse. The lie was that you ever really cared.

You may have kissed my lips, but you will never kiss my heart.

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