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Posts Tagged ‘Feelings’

Over 100 people lost their lives today in Paris, France. Over 100 people that were just out trying to live life, enjoy things they love. A stadium. A restaurant. A concert hall. Regular activities for regular people who didn’t know tonight would be their last. My heart goes out to them. Their families. Their friends. Their co-workers. My heart goes out to the entire nation in this treacherous act of terrorism. How many times has this happened in our world’s history? And how many times do we begin to understand why? The answer is none. And it is in these unfathomable circumstances, that you realize life is a lot less complicated than you make it out to be. We are all just people. One human to the next. Trying to live our lives the best way we see fit. And yet, in these moments of injustice, we realize the world is not our own.

Still, we create it out to be. As a twenty-something growing up in modern day America I will admit that we are a selfish generation. We are a generation that thrives out of get it now satisfaction. The tabloids scream that you can have it your way… be as pretty as you want, as rich as you want, as skinny as you want, as tech savvy as you want. Get it now. Feel something. And, if you don’t like it, there will probably be another option on the marketplace shortly. You don’t have to live with your choices for long. We have become a generation capable of buying things because we want them, not because we need them. In turn, we have shaped who we are and how we encounter life.

We feel so entitled to the privilege of choice, we too often forget those choices can be taken away from us.

And, now, for a moment, we remember. Over 100 people lost their lives today in Paris, France. It was not their choice. Somebody else’s, maybe. But the life we so often take for granted can be gone in a blink of an eye.

Then you realize it is not about the get it now lifestyle. Maybe then our lives can become more than a moment of temporary gratification. If we stop for a second, we could see that our problems are often so small in comparison. We have the ability to choose life each and every day. To appreciate the world around us, and everyone in it. There will always be other opportunities out there, other adventures. There will always be another thing to spark your interest, another fad to try. But it is the simplest things that take up the most room in your heart. The people that love us. The people that have gone out of their way to show us we are not alone. The roof over our heads. The food on our plates. The gift of today.

May we live today for all those people who no longer have a tomorrow. May we stop for a moment to think about all the people who have impacted our lives, all the ones near and dear to our hearts. Thank them. Hold onto them. Fight for them. Life is too short to give up on those we love. We think we have all the time in the world, but sometimes, we don’t. These moments remind us time is a gift. One we so often take for granted.

I may only be twenty-six years old, but if I could do a few things over I would. Give more time to the people who have proven they care, and less time to the people who don’t. I would try to remind myself every day that there are no guarantees. I would try to remind myself to embrace every chance I’ve been given. To make life less complicated. To enjoy the simplicity of treasured friends and family, and the moments shared that will never be forgotten. The memories that shape us and carry us through when times are hard.

It is a privilege to be alive. May we make the most of the days we have, so that we leave no regrets for tomorrow.

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I turned twenty-six on Thursday

I remember when I was in high school, I had all these plans about where I’d be at this point in my life. Dreams, really. Naieve notions about how old is old enough for this, that, and the other thing. I realize now I don’t know as much as I thought I did then.

Life isn’t a timeline of should have’s.

I’m not the same person I was last year. I’m not even sure I’m the same person I was a week ago.

I carry with me a lot of the same surface level dreams I did then: Get married. Have a family. Write a book. Travel to Europe. Run a marathon. Be a better person. But, my view of those dreams has changed and adapted over time due to the circumstances I have endured and the people I have encountered. They say, you become who you surround yourself with. I used to be a stubborn enough person to not believe that was true.

Now, I realize people change you slowly, melt you like a candle. Some people are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires. One day you wake up and realize your flame has burnt out. And you have no idea how to get it back.

I’ve learned that subtle compromises often turn into great risks. That first time you choose to be less of who you are for someone else is the first time you lose a piece of your heart. He should ask you about the tattoo on your ankle. Care about the fact someone you loved deeply died for it to be there. He should ask you about the tattoo on your wrist. Ask why you thought God’s grace was so important then. He should ask you about your heart. What makes you come alive. Why writing is so important. Why you haven’t slept with everyone like he has. He should care about loving you the way you love him. And, you shouldn’t have to ask.

I’ve learned that just because you’ve been friends with someone forever, doesn’t mean they will stay. I’ve learned that just because you want to get married and have a family, doesn’t mean you’re ready. I’ve learned that even though you believe in God, doesn’t mean you believe He loves you.

I’ve learned that words really can hurt you. It’s hard to sleep alone, after. Sometimes, you won’t be the friend you thought you were. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Your family will love you even when your friends don’t. It’s okay to cut people out of your life. Music is still beautiful, even without him. You can be angry. You can cry. It’s okay to stay up all night, and call in sick the next day. Retail therapy is okay as long as it’s not your only therapy. Loneliness will either make you run toward hope or into despair. Life is a series of choices. Sometimes, you’ll make the wrong one.

I’ve learned that life is really hard. Often, you fight battles you can’t even see for yourself.

One of my friends recently said, I miss Kari.

I miss her too. In the past couple years, I’ve lost large pieces of who I thought I was.

I hope that twenty-six is about finding her. And not who she used to be, because I don’t think you can ever really go back to who you were. But I want to find who I want to be. The pieces of the girl I miss, transposed by the experiences of the woman I am. To something brighter than where I am right now.

We all have our own demons. And, to clarify, that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for my life or the people and blessings in it. Because I have an amazing family who love me unconditionally, friends that have stood by me through thick and thin, a job that challenges me every day, and a God who chooses to protect me even when I don’t fight for Him. I am blessed beyond measure.

But I’ve learned that it’s okay to not be okay. And to be honest about it.

I hope in the year to come I am able to share that with each and every one of you out there. May we all be honest with ourselves, and fight for who we are.

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I am

an extensive novel housing
difficult dialogue
hidden secrets
complex character

I am

an epic love craving
honest heart
open trust
pure passion

I am

an energetic song blaring
fantastic feeling
infectious laughter
carefree contentment

I am

an easy evening holding
solemn silence
welcoming arms
lasting loyalty

I am

an entangled woman wanting
real relationship
quality time
mutual risk

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I long to reach across the air and touch you with every word you don’t believe and every promise you long to hear. To hold you in my arms and tell you this.

You are enough.

You are a warm hug at the end of a terrible day. In the same fashion, embrace the ones who treat your words like harmonies. Hold onto those who treasure your heart like their own. Envelop the friends who remember your stories and protect them with both hands. Be who you are, who you want to be, regardless of all the times you’ve been hurt before. Reach out to life and live it. Without fear. Those people who care about what you’ve done and have yet to do don’t matter. You are an individual with initiative. You are a person of promise. You are a laugh full of life. You are a smile rich with sentiment. Be who you are deep inside, beneath the regrets and lost loves and anger. Allow yourself to feel innocent again. Take hold of every opportunity like a child, complete with curiosity and lack of caution. The world will continue to disappoint you, but don’t disappoint yourself before you get a chance to try.

You are enough.

I promise not every girl you meet is a slut, out to conquer any man she can get her hands on. I promise not every girl is manipulative, making you feel vulnerable only to tear you down. I promise not every girl is selfish, concerned with her own emotions while never taking yours into consideration. I guarantee there are girls out there who long to treat you with respect. Who pride themselves in speaking with honesty. Who care to remain faithful with or without a titled commitment.

I promise not every guy you meet is a player, out to talk to as many girls as he can without getting caught. I promise not every guy is a liar, saying all the things you want to hear without meaning a single word. I promise not every guy is insensitive, bothered by your emotions and your need to talk things out. I guarantee there are guys who want to treat you like a princess. Who want to spend time with you and only you. Who will be your best friend.

You are enough.

You deserve the best. Don’t let your past mistakes dictate your future. Don’t settle for less or talk yourself down. You should never punish yourself about something you can no longer change. Let your mistakes teach you something. Let them make you a better person. Stand up for yourself even when you feel like giving up, giving in. Think of all the times you wished for a better conversation with someone you cared about, and have the decency to have those conversations with others. No matter how hard they may be, the truth really does set you free. You don’t have to live in a mess of the could haves and should haves. You can live in the present of who you really are and what you really want. Because it matters. You matter.

You are enough.

Stop believing the worst parts of yourself. Stop second guessing everything anyone tells you because of how many times you’ve been hurt before. Believe someone when they say they care. Maybe they’ll let you down someday. Maybe they don’t care as much as they should. But if you allow skepticism to rule your life you’ll never feel anything. And that’s worse than feeling something, no matter how painful it may be. Allow yourself to have the very best, no matter how much you feel like you don’t deserve it. Let people into your heart no matter how scared you are. I promise you it’ll be worth it. Because, at the end of the day, if your heart breaks after you gave it your all, at least you can walk away knowing you tried. Don’t make yourself feel so small in order to expect nothing. Because then you end up missing out on everything.

You are enough.

I wish I could make you believe that with every part of my being. The same way I strive to believe it about myself. I am often criticized for giving too much of myself and my heart. I give people second chance after second chance after second chance. And, sometimes, it bites me in the butt. I have spent many nights crying over situations I should have seen coming from the get go. But that doesn’t define me. Those moments don’t take away value from how I feel and who I am. I won’t apologize for letting it all out. I will continue to give the people I meet my whole heart, greeting them with opens arms of trust and respect. If that’s not enough, then the relationship probably wasn’t meant to be. And, yes, maybe I will be hurt by the loss. Maybe I will carry the broken relationship with me for the rest of my life. But, at least, I will be able to say this: I gave them all I could give.

You are enough.

So give all you can give. To someone. To anyone. To everyone. Don’t let the ugliness of the world hide the beauty that is inside of you. Instead, let the world see you for all your worth. Let life happen. Believe though there is no reason. Trust when the road has no end in sight. Love in spite of the possibility of getting hurt. I promise you it’ll be worth it. I promise someone will hear your song.

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I remember. Two words. The truth.

We’re dancing shadows in the empty parking lot. I see laughter fading into flowers on the horizon. Tears speak goodbyes we’ll wish to say again. The past is melting in our hands, the water too deep to stand. I close my eyes to play it all again.

I remember. Our trip. The moment.

Sleep creeps in as it should, with weary eyes and open mouth. We yawn in correspondance facing each other. You taste like peppermint and beer. I inhale deep from longing, your breath like oxygen. We spend a night beneath the stars; I lie awake wrapped inside your arms.

I remember. A facade. The love.

Outsiders look on with desire desguised as disgust, a world meant only for two. There is candlelit dinners and quiet hikes, indepth conversations and stolen kisses. I become the thing I hate; I become yours. No wonder falling means losing. I lose myself.

I remember. Your face. The almost.

Wishing won’t will us into corresponding puzzle pieces. We are a harmony and melody meant only for one song. Now my voice is out of practice, raspy without words. You sing with new accompainment; I search to find the music again.

I remember. Another one. The cycle.

Lovers come and go like seasons change; I wish for one and then the same. Satisfaction is merely a floating leaf upon the ground. I have yet to find somewhere I long to stay. Someday I’ll dive into water that leaves my skin fresh. Until then, I’ll wait upon the shore.

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