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Posts Tagged ‘Freewrite’

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I used to write tributes to lost loves
It spilled out of me like an overflowing stream
Gushing of all the ways he wrecked me, broke me,
Made me believe I was someone lacking
Unworthy of love

I weighed less, as if it would be easier
To pick me up and keep me whole

Now we unravel the pieces

It should be easier to write about you
The hands that wrap me up in okays
And I’ll never leave you’s
The ones that wipe my tears when I respond
Out of fear from my past

You are more, than the love I dreamed
To have before and now to keep

This is the story we’re writing

You choose me like I’m something
I love you like you’re everything
A kaleidoscope of promises and laughter
My safe place to fall, to be again
Someone who is whole

Before you is broken road of heartache
With you is more than I deserve

You are my best thing

I used to write tributes to lost loves
But all the loves lost were worth being found
In you who hold all my tomorrows
The keeper of my heart and my dreams
The first true love I have ever known

I vow to write it down on pages
To always be remembered

By us, for us, forever

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I have been so overwhelmed with emotion since our wedding. As a little girl whose favorite movies were Cinderella and Ever After, I can’t remember a day when I didn’t hope for my own Prince Charming to come and sweep me off my feet. I grew up believing in fairytales, and am now living one of my own. The best part? It is not the end. There is no “fade out” on the final photo to a happily ever after. This is the beginning of the rest of our lives. And what a beautiful beginning it was.

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To Cody — Thank you for loving me, for choosing me. And not only when you asked me to be yours for the rest of our lives, but every day. You choose me even when I’m difficult, emotional, irrational. You love me, in spite of my imperfections. You love me because of them. I’ve never met anyone so understanding, who gets me like you do. You are my match in every way. There are no words to adequately describe you or our love. It is a love unlike I’ve ever known, one that I fall deeper into each day. I will always cherish you, respect you, and put you first. I promise to keep dating you, to make you laugh, to take too many pictures so when we’re old and gray we can look back and smile on this beautiful life we had together. You are the best husband, friend, and lover I could ever ask for. You are my favorite person to share a bottle of wine with, to go on adventures with, to have a fancy meal with, to be completely and utterly ridiculous with. I can’t wait to have your babies and love you for the rest of my life. Thank you for making me the luckiest girl on this planet. I hope to love you as deeply as you love me.

To the ones who raised us — Thank you for shaping us into the individuals we are today. Thank you for loving us, for showing us what unconditional love is. You’ve seen us grow up, allowed us to make our own decisions, and supported us. We wouldn’t have got here without you. Thank you for believing in our love story, and walking alongside us as we made this commitment. We couldn’t be happier to not only find each other, but to grow our family in the process. It has been such a blessing to get to know each of you, to find another place to call home.

To our wedding party — Thank you for standing by us, before we knew we were meant to be, while we were trying to figure it out, and now that we have. To my ladies especially, you have been there through relationships not even worth mentioning. You have seen me at my worst, and I couldn’t be more thankful that you believed in me enough, loved me enough, to stick around for my best. You are the sisters I never had, and I am so blessed to have friendships that feel like family. Thank you for standing by my side. Thank you to all of you. You made our day so special. Whether it was dancing the night away, laughing amidst photos, or hiding out for a Bud Light break, simply being there was more meaningful than we could ever put into words. You know us in a way a lot of people don’t, and through that, have built relationships we know will last a lifetime. Thank you for being a part of our lives and supporting our love.

To Bill — Thank you for sharing your wisdom, your insight, and your experience. Thank you for reitterating the importance of a Christ-filled marriage, and walking us through making that a reality. You are more than a pastor, or a counselor, you are our friend. Thank you for sharing in that relationship, in both times of seriousness and simply sharing life together. We are so thankful to have you and Nancy as a part of our lives.

To Riley — Thank you for sharing your gift with us and capturing our love so beautifully. Thank you for being there, not just as a photographer, but as a friend. I have been so blessed to know you over the years and am so thankful for a friendship that has grown even through our live’s varying stages. It is one I will continue to cherish for years to come. Thank you for being such a huge part of our day, our story. We all know how much I love pictures, and yours have brought me to tears more than I need to share. Thank you for everything. It’s more than I can say.

To our family and friends — Thank you for sharing in our love. Thank you for traveling, for planning to be there, for loving us enough to show up. It truly leaves me speechless. What other time is there for all your nearest and dearest to be in the same space? That is a gift unlike any other. The most special gift we could have recieved. To get to share our best day with you. Thank you for supporting us in that way and for the many roles you have played in our lives. Our day wouldn’t have been the same without you. From the bottom our hearts, it meant the world to have you there.

To Marek’s DJ Services, Timeless Rental, Esteemed Events, Vanessa at Mystique Edge, Victoria’s Garden, Bakehouse, Recreational Springs, The Black Tux, BHLDN, and Emma & Grace Bridal — Thank you for listening to my vision, and working with that vision to make it a reality. You each played such an important role, from finding me the most important dress I’ll ever own to the best looking suits and bridesmaids dresses I saw in the entire planning process. From the perfect decor to the “keep this party going” music, to maintaining the flow of the day, and creating such a beautiful display. From the delicious treats, to the gorgeous backdrops, to our picture perfect hair, and the breathtaking flowers. Cody and I couldn’t have asked for or planned for a more perfect day, and it was truly my honor to work with each and every one of you. The puzzle wouldn’t have been complete without you each sharing your gifts, talents, and expertise to make it our best day ever. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Our wedding day was a dream come true. One our best days, and one I am certain we will treasure for the rest of our lives. Thank you for helping us create a lasting memory and believing in our once in a lifetime love.

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Over 100 people lost their lives today in Paris, France. Over 100 people that were just out trying to live life, enjoy things they love. A stadium. A restaurant. A concert hall. Regular activities for regular people who didn’t know tonight would be their last. My heart goes out to them. Their families. Their friends. Their co-workers. My heart goes out to the entire nation in this treacherous act of terrorism. How many times has this happened in our world’s history? And how many times do we begin to understand why? The answer is none. And it is in these unfathomable circumstances, that you realize life is a lot less complicated than you make it out to be. We are all just people. One human to the next. Trying to live our lives the best way we see fit. And yet, in these moments of injustice, we realize the world is not our own.

Still, we create it out to be. As a twenty-something growing up in modern day America I will admit that we are a selfish generation. We are a generation that thrives out of get it now satisfaction. The tabloids scream that you can have it your way… be as pretty as you want, as rich as you want, as skinny as you want, as tech savvy as you want. Get it now. Feel something. And, if you don’t like it, there will probably be another option on the marketplace shortly. You don’t have to live with your choices for long. We have become a generation capable of buying things because we want them, not because we need them. In turn, we have shaped who we are and how we encounter life.

We feel so entitled to the privilege of choice, we too often forget those choices can be taken away from us.

And, now, for a moment, we remember. Over 100 people lost their lives today in Paris, France. It was not their choice. Somebody else’s, maybe. But the life we so often take for granted can be gone in a blink of an eye.

Then you realize it is not about the get it now lifestyle. Maybe then our lives can become more than a moment of temporary gratification. If we stop for a second, we could see that our problems are often so small in comparison. We have the ability to choose life each and every day. To appreciate the world around us, and everyone in it. There will always be other opportunities out there, other adventures. There will always be another thing to spark your interest, another fad to try. But it is the simplest things that take up the most room in your heart. The people that love us. The people that have gone out of their way to show us we are not alone. The roof over our heads. The food on our plates. The gift of today.

May we live today for all those people who no longer have a tomorrow. May we stop for a moment to think about all the people who have impacted our lives, all the ones near and dear to our hearts. Thank them. Hold onto them. Fight for them. Life is too short to give up on those we love. We think we have all the time in the world, but sometimes, we don’t. These moments remind us time is a gift. One we so often take for granted.

I may only be twenty-six years old, but if I could do a few things over I would. Give more time to the people who have proven they care, and less time to the people who don’t. I would try to remind myself every day that there are no guarantees. I would try to remind myself to embrace every chance I’ve been given. To make life less complicated. To enjoy the simplicity of treasured friends and family, and the moments shared that will never be forgotten. The memories that shape us and carry us through when times are hard.

It is a privilege to be alive. May we make the most of the days we have, so that we leave no regrets for tomorrow.

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I know I’ve written to everyone but you. I know you’ve had to endure too many stories of guys that came before you. I know that it’s not fair. I have strung you along like a yo-yo, up one day and down the next. I don’t deserve you, and I probably never will. For you are the opposite of everything I used to love. You are kind, even when I’ve hurt you. You are comfort, those arms I already miss, the afternoons spent curled up in them lying on your couch. You are laughter, a sure excuse to let go of any bad day and just breath. You are considerate, the desire to make me feel valued. Which you did, always. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I really mattered. My opinions. My hurts. My struggles. My weaknesses. My dreams. You listen with an attention I know is real. You look into my eyes and I know you care. Thank you. For doing that, for being there when I least deserve it. For wading through all the bullshit of my past, to give me hope for a future. Even if it’s without you. You have given me more than you will ever know. Beautiful memories that actually are beautiful, instead of just a imaginative version of what was. I don’t remember the last time I felt so safe. A place to be myself, instead of who I think you might want me to be.

All of this makes letting go of you so very hard. I jokingly said you’d move on before I did. I wish I hadn’t been right. I wish it hadn’t been her. And the hurt and anger I feel stems back to everything that happened before you. The reality of being just an option, instead of the only one. I guess I’ve always loved with my whole heart. It is this flaw that keeps me from moving on. It’s hard to understand when people don’t do the same. I sit at breakfast with another man, and all I can think of is you. I wonder if I’ve just made the biggest mistake. And, I think about all the reasons why. The missing feelings. The uncomfortable nights spent trying to understand what went wrong. The disconnect I wish I never felt. I have to hope I made the right choice, even now as I write this in tears. Is it jealousy? Am I selfishly trying to hold onto you? Is it real? Is it now just making sense?

The reality is, you deserve more than what I gave you. I’ve taken the person I can’t stand, and become him. Someone who can’t commit. Someone who can’t deal with their demons to love the way you should be loved. Someone who wants you, but not enough. And, I’m sorry for that. I wish I could figure things out, give you the answer you deserve instead of this back and forth game we play. I wake up in your bed, and it feels right. I leave your apartment, and it feels like the last time.

I don’t deserve you, not now and maybe not ever. I just hope that she does. I hope she looks in your eyes and feels the same way you do. That she wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. I hope she appreciates your tender touch, the way you never made it just about you. I hope she does things for you, because she wants to. I hope she meets you half way. I hope she gives you what you deserve. The relationship I never could. And, I promise I’ll try to be supportive. I promise I’ll try not to show you how much it hurts. To see you get everything I always wanted, everything I never gave you.

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This town is full of too many loves that never were
Familiar faces are only fragments of what I’ve tried to forget
Close enough to want inside of everything but my heart
But hearts are givers without choice
I believed I deserved better before I met you
Now I hardly believe in myself
And the ability to love again

Giving works until there’s nothing left
Just the memory of what I wished had always been
The fairy tale I grew up believing in
The one with the Prince who saved her
The knight who said she was the only one
I’m Cinderella without a fairy godmother
My hand of cards is missing a chance

I listen to Dixie Chicks radio when I’m sad
You’ve ruined everything for everyone
Who has tried to steal my heart away
And sometimes I wake up crying at night
The hurting is always all mine
I pray to be set free so
Goodbye Earl or whatever your name is

I thought mistakes were just moments
Not the prologue to the rest of my life
I wish I could love him the way I loved you
Twice the man and an even better friend
I can’t imagine the heartache if you had cared
I’m still picking up the pieces
Of a love we never had

This town is full of too many loves that never were.

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Explosions in the sky sounds like you —that easy silence, every breath telling me you felt it too. I hear tears next to memories of all the things we used to do. And, still it calms me. The soft ebb and flow of the chords singing syllables only known to me. And, once to you. Music isn’t the same without you. It’s been years and last week was the first Bon Iver has once again come through my speakers. It doesn’t hurt the way it used to. Just lost, like having a home you no longer know the way back to. Your favorite highway, divided, widened, made public. Nothing is sacred once it’s shared. Never the same the second time, the last time. 
The first time I fell in love I was young, naïve. I’m not sure I even knew what it meant. Different is frightening at 17. Easier to run 700 miles away, pretend reality was only make believe. Love is just a a fairytale until you’re ready.
The last time I fell in love was messy. The way your room feels after a trip. Dirty laundry and unpacked memorabilia strewn across the floor. It’s home, just not clean. You can’t live this way for long, even though you want to. Even though it’s easier to ignore. But love should never be lazy, never feel like a chore.  
Sometimes I think about you, when I’m with him. His tongue moves differently than yours did. He doesn’t know how I like it in bed. Like the time, with the scarf, on the chair. Maybe that’s why you’re meant to be with one person that way. Intimacy is hard to erase. You miss this. Compare that. Start thinking I’m not over it all over again.  
Again, and again. You’re expected to play the game but nobody tells you how many losses you’re going to take when you start. The more I try the less I know. The more I see the less I want to be anything but alone. I’m honest. Too honest. And I’m scared the one person who gets that about me will be the only one who ever will. 10 years and I still want to look to him for advice, for approval, for relief. The pause when nothing else makes sense. He is my late night conversation and my phone call home. The one I think about when I can’t think anymore. Something to hang onto, that song you’ll always remember because of the memories you’ll never forget. Never regret.

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There is a difference between flaws and warning signs. The way he leaves clothes all over his room, and snores so loudly it wakes you up. Those are flaws. The way he criticizes you on your appearance or your tendency to over think things and the way he flirts with other girls. Those are warning signs. The sooner you allow yourself to accept the difference, the sooner you will save yourself a lot of heartache. You should be the only one on his radar, and you should be enough. Pretty enough. Skinny enough. Kind enough. Spontaneous enough. Smart enough. Fun enough. You should be worth fighting for. Every minute of every day.

And, even in the rough moments, the moments of doubt, he should still be committed to you. To working together to make it work. That moment you find out he went downtown with his friends and ended up with a bunch of other girls when you weren’t invited. Leave. That moment he calls you too emotional and doesn’t care to ask you why you feel the way you do. Leave. That moment you’re laying in bed with him and realize there’s something missing. Leave. That moment you feel like you’re the only one putting in one hundred percent. Leave. The first time he kisses another girl. Leave. The first time he makes you feel inadequate or question who you are. Leave.

It takes two people to build a relationship. A good one will never be built on lies and deception, on comparisons to other people and a blatant disregard for who you really are. You will never win when he has his eyes on you and everyone around you. You can’t change someone, as much as you want to believe you can. They have to want to change themselves. And, they can say everything you’ve ever wanted to hear, but their behavior will tell you the truth.

I know you can’t see it, because you’re in love. Or, at least you think you are. But love doesn’t leave you questioning your self worth. Love doesn’t cause you to fear whether or not they’ll stay another day. Love doesn’t stay on the surface. Love is not selfish. Love is not conditional. Love is not disrespectful.

Your friends see all of those things. And, they’ll tell you over and over again how much better you deserve. Listen. I know you think no one knows him like you do, and he is different with you, and all this other bullshit. But, do you really want a man who isn’t that way all the time? The people who truly care about you can see his true colors shining through. Pay attention. Even when you can’t. I know you have to figure it out on your own, but trust the people who know you and know him. I promise the truth really will set you free.

Most of all, believe in you. I know that’s cliché and we say it all the time like a song you know all the words to but wish you didn’t. But, it matters. You matter. Take a step back and look at all the factors. You have to be your own before you can be someone else’s. And the minute you become dependent on someone else is the day they win. You are no longer secure enough or confident enough to leave. Maybe you don’t want to be alone. Maybe he pays for a lot of things. Maybe you are just naive enough to think he’ll be who you want him to. At the end of the day, you are only cheating yourself.

You are beautiful. Any guy would be lucky to have you. You are intelligent. Which means you’re smart enough to know this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. You are brave. Remember the last time you lost someone? You’re still here. And you can walk away from this too. Life is too short to make excuses or to ignore the warning signs for the wrong kind of love.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only son… What would he sacrifice for you? Will he love you selflessly? Will he choose you over every girl, today, tomorrow, and always? Can you trust him? Does he respect you? Does he love you for who you are, inside and out? Does he care about every desire of your heart? Will he protect you? Will he stand up for you even when you lose your way? Would he choose you over his job, his money, his self?

You deserve the kind of love that moves the mountains. The kind of love other people can see when they’re around you. The kind of love that God created.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

May you believe that.

Always.

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