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Posts Tagged ‘Love’

Found

I used to write tributes to lost loves
It spilled out of me like an overflowing stream
Gushing of all the ways he wrecked me, broke me,
Made me believe I was someone lacking
Unworthy of love

I weighed less, as if it would be easier
To pick me up and keep me whole

Now we unravel the pieces

It should be easier to write about you
The hands that wrap me up in okays
And I’ll never leave you’s
The ones that wipe my tears when I respond
Out of fear from my past

You are more, than the love I dreamed
To have before and now to keep

This is the story we’re writing

You choose me like I’m something
I love you like you’re everything
A kaleidoscope of promises and laughter
My safe place to fall, to be again
Someone who is whole

Before you is broken road of heartache
With you is more than I deserve

You are my best thing

I used to write tributes to lost loves
But all the loves lost were worth being found
In you who hold all my tomorrows
The keeper of my heart and my dreams
The first true love I have ever known

I vow to write it down on pages
To always be remembered

By us, for us, forever

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I have been so overwhelmed with emotion since our wedding. As a little girl whose favorite movies were Cinderella and Ever After, I can’t remember a day when I didn’t hope for my own Prince Charming to come and sweep me off my feet. I grew up believing in fairytales, and am now living one of my own. The best part? It is not the end. There is no “fade out” on the final photo to a happily ever after. This is the beginning of the rest of our lives. And what a beautiful beginning it was.

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To Cody — Thank you for loving me, for choosing me. And not only when you asked me to be yours for the rest of our lives, but every day. You choose me even when I’m difficult, emotional, irrational. You love me, in spite of my imperfections. You love me because of them. I’ve never met anyone so understanding, who gets me like you do. You are my match in every way. There are no words to adequately describe you or our love. It is a love unlike I’ve ever known, one that I fall deeper into each day. I will always cherish you, respect you, and put you first. I promise to keep dating you, to make you laugh, to take too many pictures so when we’re old and gray we can look back and smile on this beautiful life we had together. You are the best husband, friend, and lover I could ever ask for. You are my favorite person to share a bottle of wine with, to go on adventures with, to have a fancy meal with, to be completely and utterly ridiculous with. I can’t wait to have your babies and love you for the rest of my life. Thank you for making me the luckiest girl on this planet. I hope to love you as deeply as you love me.

To the ones who raised us — Thank you for shaping us into the individuals we are today. Thank you for loving us, for showing us what unconditional love is. You’ve seen us grow up, allowed us to make our own decisions, and supported us. We wouldn’t have got here without you. Thank you for believing in our love story, and walking alongside us as we made this commitment. We couldn’t be happier to not only find each other, but to grow our family in the process. It has been such a blessing to get to know each of you, to find another place to call home.

To our wedding party — Thank you for standing by us, before we knew we were meant to be, while we were trying to figure it out, and now that we have. To my ladies especially, you have been there through relationships not even worth mentioning. You have seen me at my worst, and I couldn’t be more thankful that you believed in me enough, loved me enough, to stick around for my best. You are the sisters I never had, and I am so blessed to have friendships that feel like family. Thank you for standing by my side. Thank you to all of you. You made our day so special. Whether it was dancing the night away, laughing amidst photos, or hiding out for a Bud Light break, simply being there was more meaningful than we could ever put into words. You know us in a way a lot of people don’t, and through that, have built relationships we know will last a lifetime. Thank you for being a part of our lives and supporting our love.

To Bill — Thank you for sharing your wisdom, your insight, and your experience. Thank you for reitterating the importance of a Christ-filled marriage, and walking us through making that a reality. You are more than a pastor, or a counselor, you are our friend. Thank you for sharing in that relationship, in both times of seriousness and simply sharing life together. We are so thankful to have you and Nancy as a part of our lives.

To Riley — Thank you for sharing your gift with us and capturing our love so beautifully. Thank you for being there, not just as a photographer, but as a friend. I have been so blessed to know you over the years and am so thankful for a friendship that has grown even through our live’s varying stages. It is one I will continue to cherish for years to come. Thank you for being such a huge part of our day, our story. We all know how much I love pictures, and yours have brought me to tears more than I need to share. Thank you for everything. It’s more than I can say.

To our family and friends — Thank you for sharing in our love. Thank you for traveling, for planning to be there, for loving us enough to show up. It truly leaves me speechless. What other time is there for all your nearest and dearest to be in the same space? That is a gift unlike any other. The most special gift we could have recieved. To get to share our best day with you. Thank you for supporting us in that way and for the many roles you have played in our lives. Our day wouldn’t have been the same without you. From the bottom our hearts, it meant the world to have you there.

To Marek’s DJ Services, Timeless Rental, Esteemed Events, Vanessa at Mystique Edge, Victoria’s Garden, Bakehouse, Recreational Springs, The Black Tux, BHLDN, and Emma & Grace Bridal — Thank you for listening to my vision, and working with that vision to make it a reality. You each played such an important role, from finding me the most important dress I’ll ever own to the best looking suits and bridesmaids dresses I saw in the entire planning process. From the perfect decor to the “keep this party going” music, to maintaining the flow of the day, and creating such a beautiful display. From the delicious treats, to the gorgeous backdrops, to our picture perfect hair, and the breathtaking flowers. Cody and I couldn’t have asked for or planned for a more perfect day, and it was truly my honor to work with each and every one of you. The puzzle wouldn’t have been complete without you each sharing your gifts, talents, and expertise to make it our best day ever. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Our wedding day was a dream come true. One our best days, and one I am certain we will treasure for the rest of our lives. Thank you for helping us create a lasting memory and believing in our once in a lifetime love.

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A Hearty Cup of 2016

This year was like an exceptional cup of coffee — The fragrant aroma that lends itself to a close your eyes, inhale deep, kind of breath. The bright and lively flavor. The sharp, yet delicate, way each sip dances on your palette.

I got engaged to the love of my life, experienced two job changes, and in the process, was able to get to know “me” better than I ever have.

At the end of each year, it seems people are inclined to do away with the old and focus on what is yet to come. The promise of new beginnings, unknown adventures, hidden opportunities, a clean slate. And while I am excited for what 2017 has to bring, I have learned that every day is a chance to discover something new about yourself, to fall deeper in love, to cherish time with family, and to invest in the friendships you couldn’t live without. Sometimes, I am so overwhelmed by the people I am blessed to know and the opportunities I have been given, it brings me to tears.

That moment I get to look in Cody’s eyes and say, “I can’t even tell you how much I love you.” It’s one of those too good to be true kind of feelings, except it’s never been truer than it is now. Love has never been like this — this real. this vulnerable. this transparent. this joyful. this safe.

We have chosen each other this year — as best friends, partners, and lovers. To be by each other’s side through all of life’s adversities and it’s joys. To accept who we are and who we’ve yet to become. To complement each other as we face this life together. To put each other first and trust in God to guide our future.

I prayed for this my whole life, and often wondered when God was going to deliver. And while it was definitely a lot later than I hoped, I have to say what I have always known to be true — God’s plan is perfect. He reminds me of that every day as I have to continually learn to trust in Him.

I took a leap of faith this fall and transitioned in a job based primarily on commission. It was challenging, emotionally draining, and yet, very rewarding in my quest to discover my passion. I discovered how amazing flexibility and working from home can be, at the same time, had to surrender some of my independence with the loss of a steady income. My brokenness is also my comfort — turns out I can’t do everything alone, as much as I wish I could. And there is a humbleness that comes from not getting to expect what comes next. To trust that God is our Provider. And I have so enjoyed the freedom rest and reflect. It has been such a blessing to spend time on me in the midst of all the changes this year has brought. I look forward to continuing to carve out that solace as I go back to working full time.

My family continues to be my foundation, and while we’ve all experienced some trying times this year, the guarantee we have is always each other. My parents are two of my best friends — the couple Cody and I spend the most time hanging out with. We do “Survivor” nights every Wednesday — watching Survivor when it’s on TV, and always enjoying a meal and a bottle of wine together. It is time I treasure, and am blessed that Cody loves that tradition as much as I do. It’s amazing how the older I get, the closer me and my parents become. Too bad high school me didn’t figure it out sooner — they’re pretty amazing individuals. And my little brother, although he lives in Sioux Falls, is the link that ties us all together. Getting to spend a week together over Christmas was not long enough. It’s hard to say goodbye every time, as I wish he could be here to hang out with on a regular basis. We all have each other’s back. We cry together, laugh together, and face every obstacle as a family.

And my friends — where do I begin? In planning this wedding, it’s been such a joy to ask my nearest and dearest to be a part of our special day. And while they’ve said yes to standing by my side, I really have to thank them, as well as a handful of others, for being there for me for many years past. There is something to be said for people who have seen you at your darkest and believed in you enough to not only help you find your way, but continue to be there no matter how long it takes. I wouldn’t be who I am today without my friends. You are my extended family, my lifeline, my heart.

And so tonight, as I have the privilege to celebrate with some of those friends as we say goodbye to 2016, I will hold all of these things close. To taste the complexity of this past year, the changes that are yet to come, and constants I will carry with me when they do. This is a full and abundant life. And I couldn’t be more grateful.

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I know I’ve written to everyone but you. I know you’ve had to endure too many stories of guys that came before you. I know that it’s not fair. I have strung you along like a yo-yo, up one day and down the next. I don’t deserve you, and I probably never will. For you are the opposite of everything I used to love. You are kind, even when I’ve hurt you. You are comfort, those arms I already miss, the afternoons spent curled up in them lying on your couch. You are laughter, a sure excuse to let go of any bad day and just breath. You are considerate, the desire to make me feel valued. Which you did, always. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I really mattered. My opinions. My hurts. My struggles. My weaknesses. My dreams. You listen with an attention I know is real. You look into my eyes and I know you care. Thank you. For doing that, for being there when I least deserve it. For wading through all the bullshit of my past, to give me hope for a future. Even if it’s without you. You have given me more than you will ever know. Beautiful memories that actually are beautiful, instead of just a imaginative version of what was. I don’t remember the last time I felt so safe. A place to be myself, instead of who I think you might want me to be.

All of this makes letting go of you so very hard. I jokingly said you’d move on before I did. I wish I hadn’t been right. I wish it hadn’t been her. And the hurt and anger I feel stems back to everything that happened before you. The reality of being just an option, instead of the only one. I guess I’ve always loved with my whole heart. It is this flaw that keeps me from moving on. It’s hard to understand when people don’t do the same. I sit at breakfast with another man, and all I can think of is you. I wonder if I’ve just made the biggest mistake. And, I think about all the reasons why. The missing feelings. The uncomfortable nights spent trying to understand what went wrong. The disconnect I wish I never felt. I have to hope I made the right choice, even now as I write this in tears. Is it jealousy? Am I selfishly trying to hold onto you? Is it real? Is it now just making sense?

The reality is, you deserve more than what I gave you. I’ve taken the person I can’t stand, and become him. Someone who can’t commit. Someone who can’t deal with their demons to love the way you should be loved. Someone who wants you, but not enough. And, I’m sorry for that. I wish I could figure things out, give you the answer you deserve instead of this back and forth game we play. I wake up in your bed, and it feels right. I leave your apartment, and it feels like the last time.

I don’t deserve you, not now and maybe not ever. I just hope that she does. I hope she looks in your eyes and feels the same way you do. That she wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. I hope she appreciates your tender touch, the way you never made it just about you. I hope she does things for you, because she wants to. I hope she meets you half way. I hope she gives you what you deserve. The relationship I never could. And, I promise I’ll try to be supportive. I promise I’ll try not to show you how much it hurts. To see you get everything I always wanted, everything I never gave you.

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I Know It Well.

There is a place that still belongs to you, a reminder for my still fractured heart.

A friend recently told me she still cries, sometimes, when she thinks of her first fiancé. A love that was but wasn’t: enough, whole, right. A happy marriage and two beautiful kids will never erase what once was. For memories are merely wrinkles etched upon your soul. Pieces of a past that will forever influence your present and your future.

There is a place that still belongs to you, at 3 AM when nothing make sense.

A dream for the nights I miss you. That soft voice and steady laugh. Mornings wrapped up in your arms. The way I feel you touch me there. Again. Again. Again. The best I’ve ever had. The worst I’ve ever had. A nightmare for the nights I hate you. The lies you whispered like sweet nothings to disguise the other women in your head, in your bed. I fall back asleep praying to forget you.

There is a place that still belongs to you, a lesson I’m still learning.

A never ending supply of writing material. The book I have yet to write. Someday I’ll plaster you across chapters. Someday I’ll categorize our failures into lovely phrases more constructive than our conversations. I’ll make love to you in words, and in the same breath, I’ll tear you apart syllable by syllable. There are no promises to be made for treating our story with grace. The same way you broke every promise you ever made.

There is a place that will always belong to you, a reminder of what love isn’t.

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This town is full of too many loves that never were
Familiar faces are only fragments of what I’ve tried to forget
Close enough to want inside of everything but my heart
But hearts are givers without choice
I believed I deserved better before I met you
Now I hardly believe in myself
And the ability to love again

Giving works until there’s nothing left
Just the memory of what I wished had always been
The fairy tale I grew up believing in
The one with the Prince who saved her
The knight who said she was the only one
I’m Cinderella without a fairy godmother
My hand of cards is missing a chance

I listen to Dixie Chicks radio when I’m sad
You’ve ruined everything for everyone
Who has tried to steal my heart away
And sometimes I wake up crying at night
The hurting is always all mine
I pray to be set free so
Goodbye Earl or whatever your name is

I thought mistakes were just moments
Not the prologue to the rest of my life
I wish I could love him the way I loved you
Twice the man and an even better friend
I can’t imagine the heartache if you had cared
I’m still picking up the pieces
Of a love we never had

This town is full of too many loves that never were.

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Explosions in the sky sounds like you —that easy silence, every breath telling me you felt it too. I hear tears next to memories of all the things we used to do. And, still it calms me. The soft ebb and flow of the chords singing syllables only known to me. And, once to you. Music isn’t the same without you. It’s been years and last week was the first Bon Iver has once again come through my speakers. It doesn’t hurt the way it used to. Just lost, like having a home you no longer know the way back to. Your favorite highway, divided, widened, made public. Nothing is sacred once it’s shared. Never the same the second time, the last time. 
The first time I fell in love I was young, naïve. I’m not sure I even knew what it meant. Different is frightening at 17. Easier to run 700 miles away, pretend reality was only make believe. Love is just a a fairytale until you’re ready.
The last time I fell in love was messy. The way your room feels after a trip. Dirty laundry and unpacked memorabilia strewn across the floor. It’s home, just not clean. You can’t live this way for long, even though you want to. Even though it’s easier to ignore. But love should never be lazy, never feel like a chore.  
Sometimes I think about you, when I’m with him. His tongue moves differently than yours did. He doesn’t know how I like it in bed. Like the time, with the scarf, on the chair. Maybe that’s why you’re meant to be with one person that way. Intimacy is hard to erase. You miss this. Compare that. Start thinking I’m not over it all over again.  
Again, and again. You’re expected to play the game but nobody tells you how many losses you’re going to take when you start. The more I try the less I know. The more I see the less I want to be anything but alone. I’m honest. Too honest. And I’m scared the one person who gets that about me will be the only one who ever will. 10 years and I still want to look to him for advice, for approval, for relief. The pause when nothing else makes sense. He is my late night conversation and my phone call home. The one I think about when I can’t think anymore. Something to hang onto, that song you’ll always remember because of the memories you’ll never forget. Never regret.

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